Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
