Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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