I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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