So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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