Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
