Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
