I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
