This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
