bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
