considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
