her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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