Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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