I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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