I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize