My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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