saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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