i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
