Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
