Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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