who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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