Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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