Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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