If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
