wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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