I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize