i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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