There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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