We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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