im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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