So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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