My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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