I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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