my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
