my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
