I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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