If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
