Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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