so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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