Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
