Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
