Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
