I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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