I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
