How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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