How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We smell like vodka and hangover
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
