my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
