someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
