im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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