I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
