I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
