What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Panties = found
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
