i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize