yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
