Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
