Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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