i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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