the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
