he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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