Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
