someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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